Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
