Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
