when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
foreskin is a definite game changer
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
