i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
