My room smells like vodka and shame
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Randomize
