Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
