shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
