He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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