He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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