The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
