just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
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