Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
