I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
