How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
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