So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
She told me I should be a condom model.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
