I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
