My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
