Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
