Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
