I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Randomize
