I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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