Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
