she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
