Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
