She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
