My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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