I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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