I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Randomize
