so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
