when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
