i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
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