ya dads aren't the best wingmen
My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Randomize
