If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Randomize
