I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
