I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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