If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
