Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
