i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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