arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
