She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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