69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
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