im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
