I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
He is an equal opportunity slut.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
