i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
