Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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