I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
