i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
