that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
