Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
