Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
You've changed since you got that strap on
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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