Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
