we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Randomize
