her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
