I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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